The Paradox of Change - There has to be an I before We!
Welcome to The Paradox of Change, where three experienced therapists guide you through the essential truth:
I B4We - You have to have a relationship with yourself before you can have a relationship with others!
We believe in understanding your needs, boundaries, and capacity for connection - because the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself.
Meet Your Guides:
Elliot Burgess - Individual therapist specializing in men's mental health and the foundational "I" work that transforms all relationships
Lottie Passell-Syms - Sex and intimacy specialist dedicated to couples therapy, helping partners navigate the "We" journey through deeper connection and authentic communication and better sex.
Fi Sclif - Individual therapy and growth coaching focusing on mindset, money, and marketing
What You'll Discover:
• How self-discovery leads to relationship mastery
• Lottie's proven couples therapy techniques for rebuilding intimacy and trust
• Practical tools for infidelity recovery, trauma healing, and authentic communication
• Insights into masculinity, femininity, and identity development
• Strategies for navigating divorce, dating after trauma, and co-parenting
• Real conversations about narcissistic abuse recovery and neurodiversity in relationships
Our Philosophy:
Inspired by Carl Rogers' wisdom: "When a client accepts themselves as they are, the curious paradox is that they then change." Whether you're working on yourself individually or as a couple, transformation starts within - heal your relationship with yourself, and watch every other relationship in your life flourish.
Content You Can Expect:
• Deep-dive conversations with mental health experts
• Individual growth episodes ("The I Series") with Elliot, Fi & Lottie
• Couples-focused content ("The We Series") with Lottie's expertise
• "I B4We Deep Dives" - All three tackling complex topics together
• Real stories of resilience and recovery
• Practical tools you can use immediately
Whether you're single and working on yourself, in a relationship needing guidance, or navigating life transitions, we're here as your collaborative guides, not distant experts, but fellow travelers who've walked these paths.
New episodes every two weeks “|” 26+ episodes available now!
Subscribe and join our community of people choosing accountability and growth!
https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange
The Paradox of Change - There has to be an I before We!
I do want SEX just not with YOU
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On our Walk and Talk episode, we explore the reality of a sexless marriage (dead bedroom) and the silent pain of couples experiencing emotional and physical disconnection. Through raw, honest insights, we dissect how unspoken resentments, fear of rejection, and societal expectations can erode intimacy over time, and we offer practical strategies for rebuilding a genuine connection.
Whether you are experiencing skin hunger, navigating a difficult season or looking to protect your relationship from drifting, this episode offers a compassionate, therapeutic perspective on restoring desire and safety.
📌 Main Topics Covered:
The impact of emotional and physical rejection in long-term relationships
How unspoken resentments and assumptions foster deep disconnection
The role of self-awareness, therapy, and intentional communication in restoring intimacy
Recognizing the subtle signs of emotional disengagement early
Practical tools for couples, including yoga tantra and trauma work like EMDR
Understanding love versus lust and maintaining desire over time
Creating healthy boundaries and doing personal work to prevent relationship decay
We believe intimacy after 40, intimacy after 50, intimacy after 60 - and the pain of no intimacy in marriage at any age - deserves an honest conversation.
⏳ Timestamps:
00:00 - The emotional toll of sexless relationships
00:26 - The significance of intimacy beyond sex
00:39 - Movie scene analysis: subtle cues of disengagement
01:41 - Recognizing rejection without words
02:53 - Deep pain of subtle rejection in relationships
03:29 - The exhaustion of unreciprocated love
03:32 - Why couples often avoid discussing their unmet needs
04:02 - The cycle of silence and emotional shutdown
05:10 - The realization of infidelity or emotional neglect
05:39 - Internal dialogues about cheating and unmet desires
06:04 - The contrasting needs: men needing sex for intimacy, women needing intimacy for feeling sexy
06:48 - How oxytocin fosters kindness and care
07:14 - The toll of overworking and feeling undervalued
08:00 - Resentment stemming from unspoken sacrifices and unmet expectations
09:20 - The importance of relationship conversations from the start
10:00 - Consequences of complacency and setup assumptions
11:16 - Recognizing emotional distance and potential solutions
12:13 - The necessity of expressing resentments before they fester
13:17 - Maintaining significance and loyalty in partnerships
14:07 - The impact of rejection and loneliness on men
15:17 - The distressing idea of infidelity and unmet sexual needs
16:04 - The difference between desire, love, and commitment
17:11 - How to respond to rejection with empathy and patience
18:04 - Navigating moments of sexual rejection thoughtfully
19:02 - Men’s pursuit and the desire for connection
20:32 - The importance of ongoing dialogue about desire and boundaries
21:12 - How the power struggle phase can erode love
22:41 - Moving beyond lust to genuine partnership
23:54 - Addressing physical and emotional barriers to intimacy
24:59 - Recognizing patterns across multiple relationships
26:13 - The significance of love in long-term commitment
27:09 - The dangers of the sexless marriage and unmet expectations
28:16 - The toll of loneliness and the importance of emotional safety
29:15 - The danger of manipulation and fear in vulnerability
30:21 - Deep Dive: Healing childhood wounds to improve intimacy
31:27 - Recognizing triggers rooted in past trauma
32:21 - Practical approaches: EMDR, hypnotherapy, and self-work
33:36 - The role of gradual intimacy-building practices
34:48 - The necessity of individual effort for lasting connection
35:25 - Responsibility and accountability in relationships
36:25 - Living intentionally and valuing time in life and love
36:54 - Closing thoughts and encouragement for brave conversations
📚 Resources & Links Mentioned:
Daring Greatly by Brené Brown
EMDR Therapy Info
Yoga Tantra Guide
The Dash by Linda Ellis
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
🌐 Connect With Us:
Book Therapy with Elliot, Lottie or Fi & Access Resources: https://theparadoxofchange.com
Listen to the Podcast: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout.com
Follow on Instagram: @theparadoxofchange
Explore All Links: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange
💬 Community Question:
If you've experienced a "sexless season" or are working through trust issues, how did you start the conversation with your partner? Let us know in the comments below! ⬇️
#sexlessmarriage #relationshipadvice #affairrecovery #intimacy #marriageadvice #therapist #communication #theparadoxofchange #deadbedroom #skinhuger
How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange
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