The Paradox of Change - There has to be an I before We!
Welcome to The Paradox of Change, where three experienced therapists guide you through the essential truth:
I B4We - You have to have a relationship with yourself before you can have a relationship with others!
We believe in understanding your needs, boundaries, and capacity for connection - because the most important relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself.
Meet Your Guides:
Elliot Burgess - Individual therapist specializing in men's mental health and the foundational "I" work that transforms all relationships
Lottie Passell-Syms - Sex and intimacy specialist dedicated to couples therapy, helping partners navigate the "We" journey through deeper connection and authentic communication and better sex.
Fi Sclif - Individual therapy and growth coaching focusing on mindset, money, and marketing
What You'll Discover:
• How self-discovery leads to relationship mastery
• Lottie's proven couples therapy techniques for rebuilding intimacy and trust
• Practical tools for infidelity recovery, trauma healing, and authentic communication
• Insights into masculinity, femininity, and identity development
• Strategies for navigating divorce, dating after trauma, and co-parenting
• Real conversations about narcissistic abuse recovery and neurodiversity in relationships
Our Philosophy:
Inspired by Carl Rogers' wisdom: "When a client accepts themselves as they are, the curious paradox is that they then change." Whether you're working on yourself individually or as a couple, transformation starts within - heal your relationship with yourself, and watch every other relationship in your life flourish.
Content You Can Expect:
• Deep-dive conversations with mental health experts
• Individual growth episodes ("The I Series") with Elliot, Fi & Lottie
• Couples-focused content ("The We Series") with Lottie's expertise
• "I B4We Deep Dives" - All three tackling complex topics together
• Real stories of resilience and recovery
• Practical tools you can use immediately
Whether you're single and working on yourself, in a relationship needing guidance, or navigating life transitions, we're here as your collaborative guides, not distant experts, but fellow travelers who've walked these paths.
New episodes every two weeks “|” 26+ episodes available now!
Subscribe and join our community of people choosing accountability and growth!
https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange
The Paradox of Change - There has to be an I before We!
Why Withholding Sex Destroys Relationships
Monogamy is a contract: friendship, intimacy and sex. When one stops, that contract gets broken. So what makes it acceptable to opt out of intimacy with your partner? In this raw and honest conversation, Elliot and Lottie Passell-Syms explore the grief, loss and identity crisis that follows when sex disappears from a relationship, and ask the difficult question: should you give him sex?
This episode delves into the complexities of desire, power dynamics and the real reasons couples stop connecting physically. We discuss why women often lose desire first, what men are actually asking for when they initiate sex, and how refusing intimacy can become a weapon that erodes the foundation of your relationship.
Drawing on insights from relationship experts including Esther Perel's work on attachment models and David Snarch's concepts of heart-syncing connection, we explore how our relationship patterns shift depending on who we're with, and why understanding these dynamics is crucial for maintaining intimacy.
What You'll Learn:
• Why communication is the foundation of intimacy, not just sex • The devastating impact of withholding sex for months or years • What men really want when they ask for sex (it's not what you think) • How vulnerability and emotional connection fuel physical intimacy • The role of power and control in sexual refusal • Why "just have a few drinks and have sex" advice destroys relationships • Practical exercises to rebuild intimacy, starting with the Yab Yum pose • How family of origin patterns shape your sexual dynamics • The biological and emotional benefits of regular intimacy.
Chapters:
00:00 Understanding Desire and Intimacy
03:13 The Impact of Withholding Sex
05:58 Men's Perspectives on Sex and Vulnerability
09:00 Communication as the Foundation of Intimacy
11:50 Negotiating Sexual Dynamics in Relationships
15:01 The Role of Power in Withholding Sex
17:52 Rebuilding Intimacy Through Connection
21:11 Practical Exercises for Couples: The Yab Yum Pose
23:59 The Complexity of Relationships and Personal Growth
About Our Guest:
Lottie Passell-Syms is a psychosexual and relationship therapist qualified in CBT and hypnotherapy. She specializes in relationship difficulties, stress, anxiety, intimacy and infidelity recovery, helping couples navigate the most challenging aspects of their partnerships.
Key Takeaways:
"Monogamy is a contract: friendship, intimacy and sex. When one stops, that contract gets broken."
"Choose your choices. You're not single. You chose this relationship."
"Sex is good for us: brain, body and soul. The oxytocin lasts for 14 days. Why are we wasting it?"
If you're in a relationship where intimacy has disappeared, this episode offers honest insights and practical tools to rebuild connection. The work requires effort, vulnerability and a willingness to hold up the mirror and ask yourself: why am I opting out, and how is it impacting my partner?
Related Episodes:
• Can I Be Me With You? Vulnerability in Relationships • The Relationship MOT: Holding Yourself Accountable • I Before We: Building a Relationship with Yourself First
Work With Us:
Interested in couples therapy or our PlayBook course for therapists?
For more relationship advice,
Follow us on:
🎙️ The Paradox of Change Podcast: https://theparadoxofchange.buzzsprout...
📲 Instagram:/theparadoxofchange
📺 Linktree: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange
📢 If you've experienced infidelity or are working through trust issues, let us know your thoughts in the comments! ⬇️
https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange
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How to find us: https://linktr.ee/theparadoxofchange
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